Thinking Out Loud: A Letter From HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

Thinking Out Loud:  A Letter From HHS Secretary Kathleen Sebelius

“Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold.”  – W.B. Yeats

“This is the issue … Whether we believe in our capacity for self government or whether we abandon the American Revolution and confess that a little intellectual elite in a far distant capital can plan our lives for us better than we can plan them for ourselves.”  – Ronald Reagan

Dear Mr. and Mrs. Middle Class:

This is a follow-up letter to the one you recently received from your health insurance provider informing you that, in accordance with the Affordable Care Act, your current health insurance plan will be cancelled on January 1, 2014.

As the head of Health and Human Services, I have learned that millions of Americans are surprised and angered at these cancellation notices because, they complain, Our Dear Leader, His Most Omniscient President Obama, repeatedly claimed that, “If you like your current health insurance, you can keep your current health insurance, period.”  How, you are wondering, does that square with the fact that you two, and tens of millions of other Americans who like their current plan, cannot keep it under the ACA?

The answer is very simple.  You don’t like your current plan.  You just don’t know that yet.

Hence this letter.  Your current plan, as I and Our Dear Leader have pointed out, is “substandard.”   There are several reasons why you are not aware of this, starting with the fact that you are out in the hinterland going about your lives, ignorant of the finer points of health care, while 10 million experts under my command — all with Doctorates from Ivy League schools — have been examining every facet of health care, running data through ultra-sophisticated computers, cross-checking binary codes, plotting matrixes (whatever they are), analyzing, writing reports and drawing conclusions.  These are people a lot smarter than you and me (especially you).

And what they have concluded is that your current coverage does not meet several criteria that were inserted into the ACA when nobody was looking.  For example, our records show that you are both in your late fifties and have three children ages 27, 29, and 32.  Yet your current insurance plan does not include maternity benefits or pediatric dental care.  (Thanks to the NSA, our records also show that you both belong to a political action group that has the words “Liberty” and “American Eagle” in it; expect a visit from the I.R.S. very soon).

This is why your current coverage has been cancelled.  As to why your new coverage will be less comprehensive and five times as expensive — I will explain that in a follow-up letter.

Sincerely, Kathleen Sebelius, Secretary HHS

P.S. Be sure to vote Democratic in the 2014 Mid-term Elections!